Where does one start...?
Okay - a little personal history to bring us up to date.
I've lived and worked in Amsterdam for the last 25 years - I have a son and I chose for a somewhat conventional life while he was growing up. Before then I was a bit of a nomad. It was always my intention to resume this nomadic lifestyle once my son was independent, and 2 years ago, after he left school, I started planning for something new.
I gave up my job and tried my hand at internet marketing - it wasn't for me. In a financial panic I started up a business as a children's-book-author/illustrator, which was something I'd been doing alongside my regular job for 8 years or so. But this wasn't for me either. Eighteen months ago I discovered a story-telling club in the city and found a new passion. But this revived an old passion for songwriting, so I saw a new career-line for myself as a traveling minstrel - singing songs and telling stories around the globe (starting with Europe). With this vision I was able to combine all my interests together and travel too.
The idea was to make an album of songs and sell cd's as I travelled to cover my living costs. I imagined a great deal of freedom and success. But it hasn't quite turned out that way... yet!
One of my biggest obstacles has been "stage-anxiety"... a long conditioned and deeply-embedded fear of performing. This is a drawback of course if you want to perform. But slowly - very slowly - I feel I'm getting over it. This isn't due to any great amount of performing experience, but rather that I've defined more clearly how, where, what and for whom I want to perform. I just don't have the passion or ego to join the circus of conventional pop-music and singer-songwriting. I don't want to gig just anywhere I can, or play to just anyone in the hope of being discovered by everyone. That path just isn't for me... so what is?
Well... after making my album, I bought a camper-bus to roam around Europe in. I admit it was a bit scary setting off alone again after all these years. I went to England first to visit family and get a taste for the open road. It wasn't a big adventure. The last of my family I visited was my youngest brother in his unfinished cottage in the Midland's countryside. And it was there that the real adventure and the true path for me became clear.
I've always had a leaning towards the spiritual. Not the religious - I gave up on religion when I was 5 years old, after a heavy beating from my devout Catholic headmistress - but I've been a firm believer that there is so much more to our existence and reality than what we've been told and taught and conditioned to believe. That's why I've never been able to accept or pursue a conventional life. Through the years I've practised self-awareness in every area of my doing and being... and when I set out on this outward journey as a hopeful minstrel, I knew it wasn't really about the traveling, or about the songwriting or storytelling, or about selling cd's and building a new career and income source. It was about a more exciting and important journey - the journey within. At 55, I could slow down, count the few years left to retirement, believe it's not worth doing anything new, get chubby, exercise my excuses for getting older. But I don't think or feel like that. It's a cop-out for me. I'm inspired by my son to be 20 again and pursue life like old-age is so far away it's not worth thinking about. But I don't want to waste my time chasing the dreams of youth - I've been there and done that. No... now I want to explore the unknown within me - and that means awakening the spiritual part of my being.
Now it just so happens that my brother is of like mind. Ready to give up house and home and head off to sunny climes to grow spiritually while following the whims of his own heart. His vision takes him, for the moment, to Spain and flying microlites and paragliders, and canoeing on the turquoise sea and walking in the desert landscapes... getting back in touch with the earth and all her wonders and beauty. So we decided to do it together. Just one problem... his cottage is unfinished and he has to finish it before he can sell it. So I got stuck in England for a long while helping with the workload. Only it's still not finished and my funds are running low. So - I find myself back in Amsterdam, waiting for the "GO" word from my brother, while continuing my inner-journey of enlightenment. Spain isn't going anywhere, so the travelling can wait a while. At the moment I'm learning ever more and more about myself and my desires.
There is much to think about. I'm living in my attic because I gave the house over to my son and a friend. I've been busy meeting new people on the spiritual circuit. I'm looking at the probable necessity to give up the house altogether and cut myself completely free from Amsterdam. And I'm discovering how I can combine my songwriting/singing/storytelling with my desire for a deeper spiritual lifestyle. But more about that in the next post.
NAMASTE.
Okay - a little personal history to bring us up to date.
I've lived and worked in Amsterdam for the last 25 years - I have a son and I chose for a somewhat conventional life while he was growing up. Before then I was a bit of a nomad. It was always my intention to resume this nomadic lifestyle once my son was independent, and 2 years ago, after he left school, I started planning for something new.
I gave up my job and tried my hand at internet marketing - it wasn't for me. In a financial panic I started up a business as a children's-book-author/illustrator, which was something I'd been doing alongside my regular job for 8 years or so. But this wasn't for me either. Eighteen months ago I discovered a story-telling club in the city and found a new passion. But this revived an old passion for songwriting, so I saw a new career-line for myself as a traveling minstrel - singing songs and telling stories around the globe (starting with Europe). With this vision I was able to combine all my interests together and travel too.
The idea was to make an album of songs and sell cd's as I travelled to cover my living costs. I imagined a great deal of freedom and success. But it hasn't quite turned out that way... yet!
One of my biggest obstacles has been "stage-anxiety"... a long conditioned and deeply-embedded fear of performing. This is a drawback of course if you want to perform. But slowly - very slowly - I feel I'm getting over it. This isn't due to any great amount of performing experience, but rather that I've defined more clearly how, where, what and for whom I want to perform. I just don't have the passion or ego to join the circus of conventional pop-music and singer-songwriting. I don't want to gig just anywhere I can, or play to just anyone in the hope of being discovered by everyone. That path just isn't for me... so what is?
Well... after making my album, I bought a camper-bus to roam around Europe in. I admit it was a bit scary setting off alone again after all these years. I went to England first to visit family and get a taste for the open road. It wasn't a big adventure. The last of my family I visited was my youngest brother in his unfinished cottage in the Midland's countryside. And it was there that the real adventure and the true path for me became clear.
I've always had a leaning towards the spiritual. Not the religious - I gave up on religion when I was 5 years old, after a heavy beating from my devout Catholic headmistress - but I've been a firm believer that there is so much more to our existence and reality than what we've been told and taught and conditioned to believe. That's why I've never been able to accept or pursue a conventional life. Through the years I've practised self-awareness in every area of my doing and being... and when I set out on this outward journey as a hopeful minstrel, I knew it wasn't really about the traveling, or about the songwriting or storytelling, or about selling cd's and building a new career and income source. It was about a more exciting and important journey - the journey within. At 55, I could slow down, count the few years left to retirement, believe it's not worth doing anything new, get chubby, exercise my excuses for getting older. But I don't think or feel like that. It's a cop-out for me. I'm inspired by my son to be 20 again and pursue life like old-age is so far away it's not worth thinking about. But I don't want to waste my time chasing the dreams of youth - I've been there and done that. No... now I want to explore the unknown within me - and that means awakening the spiritual part of my being.
Now it just so happens that my brother is of like mind. Ready to give up house and home and head off to sunny climes to grow spiritually while following the whims of his own heart. His vision takes him, for the moment, to Spain and flying microlites and paragliders, and canoeing on the turquoise sea and walking in the desert landscapes... getting back in touch with the earth and all her wonders and beauty. So we decided to do it together. Just one problem... his cottage is unfinished and he has to finish it before he can sell it. So I got stuck in England for a long while helping with the workload. Only it's still not finished and my funds are running low. So - I find myself back in Amsterdam, waiting for the "GO" word from my brother, while continuing my inner-journey of enlightenment. Spain isn't going anywhere, so the travelling can wait a while. At the moment I'm learning ever more and more about myself and my desires.
There is much to think about. I'm living in my attic because I gave the house over to my son and a friend. I've been busy meeting new people on the spiritual circuit. I'm looking at the probable necessity to give up the house altogether and cut myself completely free from Amsterdam. And I'm discovering how I can combine my songwriting/singing/storytelling with my desire for a deeper spiritual lifestyle. But more about that in the next post.
NAMASTE.